I don't have the power

It's been over 6 months from my last post, but lets be real...blogging is not my specialty.

Plus, senior year is full swing and approaching an end in a few short months.

Wow. Time flies.

I remember freshman year as if it were yesterday. The late night hangouts in the dorms, snow-apocalypse, dancing in the dorm kitchen while baking cookies, my first Rock Fall Retreat, recommitting me life to Christ, overcoming major anxiety, and finishing off the year by heading out to Colorado LT.

The memories are warm in my heart. I find myself smiling just typing them out, but if I typed them all you all would be Super bored.

College. It's been everything and more than what I expected it to be, but I'm ready for the next chapter.

Not going to graduate school for a Masters in Social Work was both a difficult and easy decision to make. It was difficult because I thought I would be disappointing a lot of people I care about. It was easy because I knew it was not what I truly wanted to do.

It became even easier once I found peace in my decision not to go. When I find peace in decisions, it's all God. I am very much anxiety-prone, and I know that those few times of peace [especially, in big decisions] that I have had do not come from myself. I do not have that power to give myself peace. No one does.

And I find so much comfort in that truth.

Graduation is coming up in 4 months, but I'm not scared. I thought because I chose the hard route that I would at least have anxiety about the job search, but that surprisingly has not been the case. And that's when I say: "God is so incredibly good."

He knows my worries about the future, but daily I am reminded to put my focus on Him.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:34

Change is coming

I have not kept my word on writing this blog. This semester has been a roller coaster ride and I am just now finishing up. The summer is here and change is coming. In fact, change is happening now.

A friend of mine is going to teach me the art of keeping a blog this summer. I will pick a theme and clearer purpose as to why I created "beautifully broken" in the first place.

The Lord has been doing some awesome work in my life as of late and I am so incredibly thankful. He has blessed me with a summer job that will allow me to have half the day free to relax, hike, and have adventures. It was a journey to get to this point and it will continue to challenge me.

Praise be to Him who created us!! He is our sole provider. The Alpha and Omega. My Prince of Peace. 

God Bless!

To all those finishing up there finals: Good luck and kick butt!

Hope this makes you all smile:

He knows me too well

So, I have hinted a few times at the difficulties I have faced over the past year. Well, last night was the first time that I truly felt God's presence in my life.

I was at my campus's Monday Night Worship (MNW) like any other Monday, but I was completely emotionless once I was put in an uncomfortable "situation" (leaving this unkown). This "situation" took me off guard and I felt a small panic attack coming on.

My dear friend began to pray over me as the music began to play after a time of community prayer. I was still fighting off the anxiety, until a song began to play that I have been desperately wanting to sing for awhile.

The guys leading worship were mashing up a few amazing songs, and very briefly they added in the chorus of Fire Fall Down by Hillsong United. My all time favorite song to praise God with.

It was in that 30 seconds to 1 minute of the chorus that my heart shifted. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and could lift my hands and praise His name. The God of Peace. God of Joy. My father.

I was reminded of His great love, and I couldn't believe the doubts I had that He wasn't working in my life. 

The night ended beautifully.

The best part was when I found out that Fire Fall Down playing was improvised. He knows me too well.

Hidden talent

Art has never been my expertise, and most likely never will be, but it has found a place in my heart.

The last 6 or 7 months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been anxious, depressed, exhausted, restless, and feeling trapped in these awful cages. However, this past fall semester I found a form of escape.

Painting.

I'm not the most talented painter ever, but it relaxes me. It's a time where I have hakuna matata as some could say.

I plan to go more in depth about the past half-year in a later post. But here I just want to share a few of my pieces. There are more, but I have not yet taken pictures of them. I believe that they are shown in the order that I painted them.

 

 

Prayer Request

I want to start this post off with a prayer request to all who may read this. Joe Ramseyer Sr. is a member of my church back home in St. Louis. He was recently diagnosed with brain cancer and doctors believe he only has a few days left.

My parents may know Mr. Ramseyer better than me, but I saw his heart for God through worship at church. I lift up in prayer: the Ramseyer family, the doctors involved, the church, and especially for Joe's strength to persist. God willing.

God has a plan for everyone in this life. I don't understand why this is happening. And, I can't say if God gave Mr. Ramseyer cancer, but maybe it hasn't been fought off yet because God has a plan. It may be a plan of healing or plan to bring him home to his Father.

This morning I was reading the story of Job. Job was a blameless and upright man who feared God, but Satan came and robbed him of his 10 children and all of his property through unfortunate circumstances. Job still feared and worshiped God, so Satan then cursed his health with sores from head to toe. This did not veer Job from his One True God.

The thing that I never knew about this story, was that God let Satan curse Job. My first thought was, "What the heck?? Why would you let the devil do such a thing to a God fearing man?" But God knew Job's heart. He knew that Job would persevere with his heart in the right place.

I am not finished with the book of Job yet, but I am inspired by him. It also gave me peace when thinking of Mr. Ramseyer.

Now I don't know God's plan and neither does anyone, so please don't assume this is the case for Mr. Ramseyer. However, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I like to believe that God will take people to be with Him who have accomplished their mission in this life. I like to think that was the case for Jenny O'Reilly. I'm not saying it is, but I can wrap my head around her passing better if I think about it as her purpose in God's eyes was accomplished. My mom made a good point:

"Jenny touched many lives with God's love and would have continued to do that by God's grace if she were still with us. She is now in a better place, but we need to be careful about stating that God causes people to die when we live in this fallen, sinful world. Sometimes there are just no answers for why people get sick or killed when it seems they had so much more to do for the Lord here."

We don't know why things happen. It can be quite frustrating too, but we can be at peace that God is in control. 

There is a song that I have listened to almost everyday for about a month now that I think will be encouraging for anyone. It speaks on the difficulties of trusting God's plan for us because we think we know better than Him. Please take a few minutes to listen to the lyrics and praise God that "There May Be Tears".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-AGMReyUAU

*Job 1-13

The Inspiration

I have officially joined the blogging world. And honestly, I am not sure how this works, but I had a strange desire to begin this journey.

I hope to use this blog as a chance to share life with people in my life. It's difficult to keep in touch with everyone in my life. So here is my chance to keep people close who may be miles away.

My friend Jenny O'Reilly inspired me to start this. Jenny was a dear friend of mine for the past four years. I met her in my senior youth group at Concordia Kirkwood church. She lit up the room every Sunday night at TAG (Teens About God). Her bubbly personality affected everyone she encountered. She had an infectious smile because God was/is the love of her life. She lived her faith out to the fullest every day.

In 2011 she was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 31. She was not one to ask "why" (that was not the case for me). Her faith was so strong and inspiring to not only me, but to many many people during her battle with cancer. Every morning and every night she had a routine of reading two verses to keep her heart in the right place.

"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."  

- John 6:67-69               

He must become greater; I must become less.

- John 3:30                    

I plan to tape these same verses to my mirror to start and end my days right. Like Jenny, I hope to live each day for Jesus Christ. 

As of December 29, 2012 she has been with her Lord and Savior in paradise. Her death was not an end, but a beginning. She died the day before her birthday, which kind of shows God's sense of humor because she spent her birthday in the arms of her Father.

 In this blog, I want to share my journey of hardship, happiness, and grace.

May Jenny's legacy live on through my life and all those who were close to her.